Drillbit Taylor

Yes... I'm giving you an advance review. I was forced to watch the on the shelf for the last two years Drillbit Taylor. Let's just say it should have stayed there. Two of the big names of comedy are attached in different ways. Seth Rogen (Superbad) draws a writing credit while Judd Apatow somehow excutive produced this sad retread of every other teen film you've seen. Owen Wilson stars as the title character who is an ex-Army Ranger who has found himself on hard times. Three dorks very much in the vein of the kids from Superbad are looking for a bodyguard to save them from the school bully.

The principal (Stephen Root) doesn't believe that such activity could be going on thus forcing the dorks' hand. Drillbit is a conman looking to exploit the kids while giving them the stupidest advice ever. Eventually he infiltrates the school under the guise of a substitute teacher. Alas, it isn't Tom Berenger so no ass kicking is done. There is also a worthless subplot with Apatow's wife Leslie Mann as a beautiful teacher who exists only to have sex with Wilson's character apparently.

All of the story is cliche and plays like My Bodyguard with a dose of Superbad. The comedy is the lazy kind you get in a lot of Will Ferrell with most of the laughs intended to come on improv. Well the bad news is Owen Wilson is no Will Ferrell... or even a John C. Reilly. The film drags for the last hour as the stupid never stops. One can only wonder how dumb the writers think teens really are... do they honestly believe that they would be sucked in on the con... or even sucked into watching this film. If you catch yourself thinking that maybe this film isn't that bad... well it isn't bad like say an Eddie Murphy film, but it's mediocrity only serves to make you wonder what you could have been doing the last 1 h 45 min.

20/100

Transformers

Generally when I go into a movie like this, I like to set my expectations low. That way I can just sit back and try to enjoy a big budget special effects monster like Transformers. However, the entire film is a mess of Michael Bay like proportions. Director Michael Bay has been bringing you shite since 1995's Bad Boys crapped onto big screens. Bay's films rarely have an once of reality in them and often feel like the dialogue was made up by frat boys on a bender.

Transformers does little to disinguish itself either with special effects or story. The plot revolves around the two warring races of robots trying to find the "all spark" which is said to create new Transformers through some sort of mystical power. The "all spark" was thought to have crash landed on Earth and now both sides are trying to retrieve it. Shia Labeouf and Megan Fox play teenagers who get caught up in the struggle. Their scenes together are some of the most excrutiating I've ever endured. Fox is completely wooden and Shia just clowns his way through depending on the effects to save him.

Oh but wait... the effects are awful. I can't think of a film with the kind of budget Transformers had that just out and out had lousy visual effects. All the Transformers look similar when in their robot form not counting Bumblebee or Optimus Prime. And wtf Megatron is an airplane now? The CGI is obviously spliced in with the scenes to an almost comical way.

Ugh that's enough... if you are a fan of the old series or the comic books, you will be sorely disappointed. There is nothing here to like except for John Turturro. He manages to achieve a frantic level of comedy that is lacking throughout the rest of the film. If I could though, I would give this a negative score.

0/100

Ah yeah... here it comes... my top 20 worst films I've seen this year

The rules:
1. The films do not have to be released this year, just viewed by me in their entirety for the first time.
2. I've probably watched something like 150 films this year and I'm sure Good Luck Chuck belongs on any worst list, but I never watched it.


All right... here we go.

20. Idiocracy - I hate to slam Mike Judge, but this has all the feel of a SNL dragged out for 90 min. There are maybe two laughs from Luke Wilson, but most of the film is spent with such an awkwardness I find myself feeling uncomfortable even now...

19. Georgia - A well intentioned film that was nominated for various awards back in the day. My gal Jennifer Jason Leigh is almost too effective as the annoying hanger-on sister of folk star Mare Winningham.

18. The Italian Job - We are talking the original with Michael Caine. A mess from start to finish with intermediate moments that didn't suck. I actually enjoyed the overrated remake more.

17. The Presidio - Meg Ryan as a sexy window dressing? What? This is a horrible waste of time for Sean Connery and Lee Roy Jethro Gibbs (Mark Harmon to you NCIS virgins). This film is bad on so many levels that I think a new kind of low was achieved.

16. Copying Beethoven - I have to admit... I'm totally smitten with Diane Kruger, but she is miscast here. All I could think about was her legs and not the awful performance from Ed Harris in the lead. I still love Ed, but seriously... you were great once... get it together man.

15. Cache - There is nothing more disappointing then seeing a critically loved film only to find out that is a hack job of a student film masquerading as a thinking person's thriller. Blah...

14. Edmond - David Mamet... I know what you were trying to do, but it didn't work. Julia Stiles is awful... oh let's be honest... so is this entire pile.

13. Rise: Bloodhunter - Lucy Lui doin' some naked time saves this from the top ten. From an awful filmmaker Sebastian Guiterrez. Learn the name and run the other way when you here it.

12. Notes on a Scandal - Another film with lots of awards, but it is still just a glorified TV movie. Cate Blanchett plays a teacher who sleeps with a student... Judy Dench is in love with Cate... and is jealous. This should have been dead before it was made.

11. A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints - Just a cliche film from a first time filmmaker that borrows from everything. When you cast Robert Downey, Jr you have to give him screentime moron... that should be filmmaking rule number one.

10. Without a Clue - Ben Kingsley and Michael Caine go slumming as Watson and Holmes in this spoof of the genre. Absolutely all wit is removed from the screenplay... cringe-worthy dialogue ensues.

9. The Black Dahlia - I guess Hilary Swank and Scar-Jo got mixed up in the casting... plus who wrote this awful script? And hard to belive, but Josh Hartnett isn't the reason this one bites...

8. The Reaping - The advertisements should have boasted the most incomprehensible ending ever in a film NOT by David Lynch. Hilary, this is twice this year... you should be glad I haven't seen Freedom Writers... yet.

7. The Staircase - I haven't the heart to put this well intentioned story of a modern day Job trying to fulfill a dying nun's dreams higher on the list.

6. Into Thin Air - Peter Horton is the best actor here? Wow... at least it prompted a Side Out reference in my review. One of my favorite books though.

5. Live Free or Die - Paul Schneider and Zooey Deschanal reunite after the delightful All the Real Girls in this giant mess of indie film crap.

4. White Noise - Michael Keaton tries his best... but the idiots who wrote the script don't even understand the whole concept of EVP. Morons... morons.

3. Northfork - Another disappointment from the Polish Bros. A lot of critical acclaim is laid upon them for some reason. This is awful and almost unwatchable.

2. Stolen Summer - The first of Project Greenlight's releases achieves bad filmmaking in every way possible. I literally think the plot was written from a dart board of ideas.

1. (drum roll) The worst film by far this year I have watched was Beat. You probably haven't heard of it... good. It is a take on the "beat" poets of the day featuring such craptacular performances by Kiefer Sutherland, Courtney Love, Ron Livingston, and Kyle Secor. Somehow it has maintained a 5.3 on IMDB, but that has got to go down as more Jack Bauer fans stumble onto this little slice of hell.